


Say Goodbye

by ladywongs



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul:re
Genre: Angst, F/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 02:10:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7134410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladywongs/pseuds/ladywongs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The city lights penetrate the damp windows of :re and they land on Touka's eyes, eyes that shine with tears and a plea, eyes that wait for an answer to the question she's so afraid to ask. Will you stay? Both know he won't, and this is their reality. Trembling lips that will never be free and hearts that may never be fully mended.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Excuse any grammar errors!

**_That way it won't hurt so much,  
when we say goodbye._ **

**—o—**

 

If someone would’ve said to Touka that three years from now Kaneki would be long gone, she would have stand up and punch them out, cause they were all wrong.

Yes, they were.

She knew better, for in the quiet of the night her tears pleaded a  _don't leave me alone_  that he swore with a towering _I won't._

People are like stars, her father once said, they shine for you in the sky above and even when sometimes their lights fade away, they’re still there, watching over you. Touka never knew how to maintain Kaneki's radiance, until one day his light evaporated like blood and Touka lost him, there in the highest place of her gloomy sky where thousands of stars disappeared each day, Touka lost his track and never found him again.

She was wrong. They knew better, they warned her, but still his lips swore  _I won't_. He knew too, and still he left her.

_I'll see you later, okay?_

At the beginning, silence remains.

His eyes don't look at her; under the dim of a room that suffocates them both, Touka is able to contemplate his worn features clearly, his eye bags shining like dying diamonds and his withered lips shivering occasionally with the intention of saying something, anything, but the quietness takes control of him. The city lights penetrate the damp windows of :re and they land onto Touka's eyes, eyes that shine with tears and a plea, eyes that wait for an answer to the question she's so afraid to ask.

_Will you stay?_

Both know he won't.

"Please."

Her appeal obliges him to flick up his gaze, fretful, and the distance that separates their bodies is too cold, too lonesome. Surprisingly, it's him the one who gives the first step. It's short and doubtfully, but little by little he manages to approach enough for Touka to wish to stretch her hand and touch his face, slide her fingers through his withered skin and drive away all the demons who take pleasure in torturing him, but Kaneki is too proud. He would never let her do something like that.

In silence, he raises his hand and his fingertips travel the curvature of her smooth jawline. The contact against his cold skin creates a contrast that stops her heart, so her eyes fall shut. She frowns and her eyelids shudder and Kaneki's fingers draw a caress in her neck, up and down, and it feels like it is the only answer he has, the only answer he thinks she needs. His hand brushes away all the hair on her face, his fingers dive through her soft mane and he secures a lock of hair behind her ear, sliding his hand tortuously to the back of her nape and the rubdown onto her skin sends a wave of shivering's through all of her body. During an instant, she hates herself for being so weak.

In any case, it doesn't matter anymore.

Kaneki slides his thumb against her lower lip and Touka's eyes open. The intensity of her peek strikes him hard and with a bravery he doesn't think he owns, Kaneki leans over to press his lips against hers. At the beginning their noses make a sweet contact, Touka's legs start to shiver, Kaneki's heart seems to resurrect from the ashes and when their lips make contact it's like if the cafeteria and everything surrounding them disappears forever.

And it’s funny, too cruel and bizarre and funny the way that one single person can restore you and tear you apart with the same intensity. Because his lips are what her body has needed for years and still she knows she can't have them, that maybe her waitress hands clinging to the skin of his neck mean nothing to him, that maybe her purple hair that interposes between his closed eyes is something he doesn't deserve, their bodies are touching and still they feel miles away. Touka doesn't belong to him, she's not his even when his tongue is delving into her wet lips and her back is being slammed against the nearest wall due to an impulse. They don't belong to each other; his lips are loving her but his mind lies stray in a hell that Touka is unable to reach, she can't save him, she doesn't know how, and Kaneki breaks the kiss with somber features whilst his quivering breathing caress her face, their foreheads are touching and Kaneki's hand is still looped around her neck and he wheezes.

He's thinking.

Touka always hated his way of thinking.

He remains that way for a couple minutes, the sound of an old kiss still reverberates inside the shop, he still has her jammed against the wall and Touka wonders if it will always be this way with him, if he will always return to steal the last drop of breath that's left from her and then he'll leave, watching her break with a smile and a soft  _"everything I do is to protect you"_  that will extinguish all of her hopes for an uncertain future, because between them future doesn't exist. All they have is the present, this is their reality. Trembling lips that will never be free and hearts that may never be fully mended.

"Kaneki."

His name in her lips sounds like the call of death. And it doesn't matter. Kaneki was always a suicidal bastard. If death is represented by Touka herself, he wouldn't mind at all to die here and now. He doesn't believe it exists a better way to die in style.

He shuts her pleas with a furious kiss, abandoning the fear and cowardice that once held him down. It's a kiss that claims for help even if he knows that Touka will never be able to help him enough. She moans against his mischievous tongue, her arms cling desperately around his neck and Kaneki crouches a few centimeters to envelop her waist with his arms and he almost feels the urge to smile; almost, because her body is tiny and short and her silhouette seem to have been created purely to fit into his arms, purely for him.

Kaneki knows that's not true.

Without even trying hard, Kaneki scoops her up from the ground adjusting both legs around his waist and after a dark and clumsy path through uncertain hallways; they end up in her room. The door shuts firmly and Kaneki knows there's no turning back. Even if he wanted, even if he tried… he can't leave, not now.

Her bare feet touch the soil again and Kaneki lets her go for a moment, panting and with swollen lips. He sighs, still, and Touka's eyes get lost in his dusky gaze. There's something else, there's always something hidden within him and Touka wants to unravel it, she wants to understand him, he looks tall and handsome and poised and she knows he's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen in a long time, that this is the first time that she can see him so clearly after all this time, so detailed, and she bites back the urge to cry because she knows, she knows, she knows she will never see him again. Not after this night.

Even so, Touka keeps a faint hope.

In silence Kaneki slides his hands through her waist, grabbing the rims of her white shirt and Touka raises her hands without breaking the eye contact, so Kaneki slips the delicate garment slowly through her stretched arms, delighting in the bare skin that it's gradually revealed, the tip of his fingers tracing a subtle caress on her skin and when the clothing finally reaches her shoulders, leaving her face uncovered, Kaneki leans over to press his lips against hers. Their lips touch, open, urgent, whilst Touka's arms remain extended in the air. The shirt touches the ground and Kaneki brushes her hair away to one side, sliding his mouth against her jaw, listening to her little hums, her body melting due his relentless ministrations because this is what she deserves: his hands exploring her body and Touka is unaware that he's doing this not only for her, but for himself. He wants to memorize between his fingers every curvature, every scar, taking them with him to the hell where he belongs.

And she knows it.

"Kaneki," she mutters against his ear, cuddling him in her arms like it would save her. "I don't care what happens next. But, please… please…"

_Please, please, please…_

"Don't leave me here alone." She finishes.

Not again.

Kaneki blurts out a gasp that sounds more like a giggle. However, the situation is anything but funny. He makes his way to her lips once more, closed eyes and trembling hands, and then he whispers against her lips:

"You're a cruel one, Touka."

_You know I can't promise you that._

The sound of his voice uttering her name is the last thing she hears before she starts to unbutton his black shirt and graze her fingers through his chest. They undress hastily because they're running out of time and time is the last thing they have, the only thing they'll never own. The bed welcomes them and not a single spot of her body can be saved from Kaneki's lips, her legs find a place on his shoulders and Kaneki drinks to the last drop out of her. They both moan, Touka's hands eerily grope his hair and the bed sheets around her and the pleasure is uncontrollably when his tongue grinds and sucks her clit over and over again, however, none of them feel any kind of bliss. Both are masochists and there's nothing more masochistic than  _this_.

His fingers delve into her, pounding and licking and loving her in the most beautiful of ways and Kaneki moans when Touka's tongue traces a path on his neck, the same spot she bit years ago. He rests his forehead onto hers, gasping loud and he enters her painstakingly slow. They don't bother to find the perfect rhythm and even when Kaneki's thrusts start tenderly, they become into something frantic in a matter of seconds. He's sating his frustration, she knows it, she can feel it when he buries his face in the curve of her neck and moans everything except her name, when their hearts beat in different rhythms and she knows that, even when they're like this, closer than they ever were, a powerful eternity keeps them apart. Touka whispers his name, shivering.

"Kiss me." She begs, it's the only thing she can do.

He doesn't bother questioning her pleas, so he does. His hands hold the weight of his body on each side of her head so he bends down to kiss her, open-mouthed kisses that make her gasp, his body diving into her skin with every move of his hips whilst their whimpers meet through their lips. And there are so many things Touka wants to say, while her mouth moans his name and Kaneki's hand is ramming her hand onto the mattress and his fingers reach down to touch her between her legs… there are so many things she wants to say. She wants to beg, beg for him to say, to never leave her again, to beg that even if he must leave like he did in the past… right now… even if fate reunites them again in the future…  _please…_

_Don't let me go._

Her kiss was the only thing that could speak for her. She grabbed his face in her hands and her lips whispered a thousand things she expected for him to know, to feel. To understand that after years of waiting he was still trapped inside her mind, that she would cherish this last kiss until they meet again. That time ran painfully slow and it hurt, it hurt so much; that even till this day he still visited in her sleep, smiling, forcing her to wake up with a sob rammed inside her throat.

However, Touka remains silent.

And both finish sooner than they expected.

Kaneki holds the weight of his body against hers for a few minutes, his sweaty forehead resting on top of her bare chest whilst he tries to recover his gasps. One, two, three, four… Touka awaits, patient, for Kaneki to envelop her body in his arms and continue to kiss her and do something, anything, a clue that he will stay.

But he doesn't.

He turns away from her and his back falls against the mattress, by her side. Then, between the dimness of her room and hidden by the shadows that hide her from Kaneki's eyes, Touka cries. Her vision drowns in saltwater and darkness is the only thing that's left, darkness and the burning of a tear that slowly spills down her neck. Darkness and the thought that tonight is no different from the others. In the end, the situation culminates in the exact same place: Touka lying on her bed, in silence, shedding tears.

And Kaneki's presence by her side feels almost non-existent.

Once Touka wipes her tears and tilts her face to stare at Kaneki, his arm covers almost all of his face, like if he's protecting himself from the sunlight. And Touka doesn't know what to do, so she says his name.

"Kaneki."

A sigh is his only answer.

He sits up lazily on the edge of the bed, his feet touching softly the chilly carpet and rubs his eyes tiredly, the moonlight that infiltrates by the window slithering through his skin. In silence, Touka sits on the mattress, shivering from the cold. The warmth that his arms provided her seconds ago vanished the moment he let her go. Why does he always lets her go? Why, why, why?

This time, Touka doesn't say his name. This time, she waits for him to utter hers.

And he does. He does.

"I wanted to see you, Touka," he whispers, and Touka's heart skips a beat. "More than anything, I wanted to see you…"

Kaneki turns around, sighing, and in a blink of an eye his face is right in front of her, and Kaneki stares at her for the first time in the whole night. His eyes are honest, pure, sorrowful. During an instant he abandons his personal hell and his demons leave him alone. In front of her lies the most beautiful of angels.

Touka reaches out her hand to touch the delicate skin of the arm he holds in front of her, like if he's preventing her from abandoning the bed. Her fingertips ascend until she reaches his shoulder, where her hand decides to take rest. She looks at him, expectant, trying to remind herself not to make false illusions, but she can't help it.

She loves him. She loves him so much.

"For how long are we gonna keep doing this, Kaneki?" She asks, and she's not angry, she doesn't even try to be. It's a raw question, the kind of question he didn't want her to make, not tonight.

But Kaneki can't keep avoiding her anymore.

"I…" He begins, staring at her lips. They look dry and empty. "I want to give you everything you need, I want you to have everything you ever wanted, but I don't think I can give it to you, Touka. Not now, not like this."

Touka closes her eyes because his words hurt. They hurt and Kaneki knows that, so he leans over and rests his forehead against hers, hoping that such gesture can mend the honesty of his words, but Touka is already destroyed. With her eyes closed, Touka caresses Kaneki's face with her hand. She memorizes the curvature of his lips, the steadiness of his jaw, because even if she never forgot him, this Kaneki is completely new to her. He's taller and more handsome and mature and cruel, especially cruel.

But Touka tries one last time.

"If you really care about me, if you really want to give me everything I need…" she starts, her eyes remain closed. "There's something I want. Would you give it to me if I ask?"

Kaneki's answer does not come immediately. It's cruel, too cruel, but not enough to make him decline her request because Kaneki also considers himself a coward. She opens her eyelids, waiting. Then Kaneki nods, their noses rubbing softly in the process.

"Stay with me tonight," she begs. Her eyes and lips and every part of her body beg for Kaneki to be merciful, just for once. "It's the only thing I want, I don't care what happens after. Please… stay."

Please, stay.

_Stay._

He does.

**Author's Note:**

> I was planning to end this in a VERY tragic way with Kaneki leaving her and stuff, but I don't wanna throw bad vibes to the ship nor giving Ishida some twisted ideas haha. If you wanna read the rest of my tg fics, follow me on Tumblr! ladywongs where I usually post updates of my stories.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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